I am typing this out while watching The Prince of Egypt, with tears in my eyes. It hits home. The past few years of my life have been wild. The Father has been shifting everything in my life, from jobs, cars, living situations, and houses, to friends I have run with and do life with. I wrote the song “time” from this place. When it felt like all of my friends fell asleep on me when I was about to enter death. I felt the hurt of it and the longing for friendship in hardship. But what I have found and keep finding here is this; that I’m never alone. I have a constant companion and friend with Jesus and His Holy Spirit. A majority of my life, I spent by myself because I didn’t have friends growing up. So I was used to being alone, and unsure if God was really with me. There is so much context I could go into, but looking back, I see Him with me. I see His faithful over the whole of my life and how He has kept me. I have watched Him show up and stay faithful when my heart didn’t know how to trust beyond a simple, ‘yes’.
So I went into what felt like a night season of the soul. A time in my life when I found myself more alone than I wanted to be, and I was afraid, because the last time I was here, I was so lonely, but this time, it was different. I found, Him. The One who has kept me. The One who has stuck closer than a brother. The One who would remind me, comfort me, and encourage me. I found the same Spirit that rose Jesus from the dead.
And what I found was, I didn’t feel as lonely as I used to. I found Him with me, at my pace. Not rushing me or in a hurry to get me to a destination, but rather, that I would be fully known by Him; nothing hidden. That He cared more about being with me than me arriving at a status. No shame that would cause me to hide anymore because I didn’t feel enough or too much, or unwanted and unloved by people. That even in my darkest days, in the middle of not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, that the sun would rise to see another day, and that He holds me better than I could ever try to care for myself. Even when I made my bed in hell, I found Him there.
The album I just released is from this space, “night seasons”. When I couldn’t see the end, I knew He was with me, and that He is working in the dark because He doesn’t sleep on us. Even when everyone else falls asleep on us, He doesn’t. He stays with us. That nothing separates us from the love of God now when we are hidden in Christ. That I don’t have to perform or be anyone for Him to love me. He loves me because He wants to, not because of my own efforts or merit. Even in all of my faulty attempts, He looks at me with love and delights in my trust that may look more foolish than in my attempts that could come across as excellent or perfect.
To even be sharing this story with you on here is literally a mercy He has given to me. I grew up reading JesusFreakHideout.com. I would wait in anticipation to see when my favorite artists would release new music, what was new in the music world. And the fact that I am writing this even now is another nail in the coffin of relying on my own strength to get through doors I was called to.
There has been much waiting for Him to keep His promises to me, to meet the desires of my heart and longings I have to go where He’s called. But it has all been worth it. The waiting in the darkest times, to go and die, so I could find new life, again. To die to what once was, so I could go into the new. Like winter. The old, beautiful flowers, plants, and food pass away, so new life, nourishment, and beauty can come once again.
I keep finding only this: that He is better than we think, and that He is only good. I want to encourage you to continue to trust Him. He will be faithful to you. He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. Whether here or in eternity. He has good plans for you, and it requires letting go and trusting where He wants to take you. I tried for years to bust down doors to get a seat at the table, but I couldn’t. But it was once I let go of how I thought it should happen and trusted His heart, so I could trust His hand and where He led, that we got here. He corrected me last year and said, “You aren’t fighting for a seat at the table, I have given you one.’ And it is has been sweeter than any other way. Not void of hardship or suffering, but in going directly through it. And I found an eternal Friend, Brother, and Father in the process.
Faith is this: trust. Jesus says that sin is this, that they do not trust. So we hold on to trust. That He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it. Which means we can trust Him to finish it. To enter into rest means we trust that He will keep His word. So we get to enter in.
All He wants is your trust. Trust His ways, they reveal His heart. There is more for you. Rest in His promise to provide.
by BNDSRVNT