“How do you love?”.. That’s such a strange question, but one that I’ve found myself asking God many times. If you haven’t heard my album, “Missions & Convictions”, or if you’re not familiar with my story, allow me to catch you up. My name is Caleb, I’m an independent artist, and nearly 4 years ago now, my body became overtaken with a progressive muscle disease called FSHD.
After hitting what I thought was the peak of my life less than a year before, I was relocated to Canada, leaving all of my friends, and shortly after became very ill at the age of 16. Needless to say, this tested my relationship with God more than anything else to that point. I had a lot of burdens, a lot of trauma, and a lot of questions.
I was raised by a Christian mother in southwestern Virginia, so a lot of the ideas that I was raised with were not typically questioned. However, during my initial diagnosis, I had a lot of time to ask questions and attempt to figure things out. One of the biggest questions was “How?”. “God, how could you do this? I’ve always been bold in my proclamation of you. I had plans to change the world for you! How is this possibly for your good?”. I just didn’t get it.
I really struggled with this for a long time. On and off for years, until one day – as I was sitting in my closet – the Holy Spirit moved and God spoke to me. It wasn’t an audible voice, or a sign that I begged for, but more of a calming presence. The question pivoted from “How could you?” to “How Do You?”. I started reflecting on my life, the good, the bad, the ugly. All of it. It’s not hard to see God move in your life when you stop and truly assess it. My plans may have looked different, but God’s plans are more important.
The grace He continues to show, the love He pours out on nights that I’m broken, the peace that He fills me up and over with… it’s beautiful. Then, as if I was speaking to a friend in a room, I just said “How do you love a sinner like me?”. A few seconds later, I broke out my voice memos and thus began “How Do You?”.
I had the pleasure of working with one of my best friends, audisea, on the production of this song, and an old church camp friend, Allie Burton, on the chorus. I’m a big concept guy when it comes to music, so I wanted to be hands on with the production of this album. This song gradually shifts from mellow, to joyful, to a full blown worship song. I wanted to represent what it felt like to be filled with the love of Jesus. Although it’s not always easy, we have rest at the end of the day through the love of Christ, and that’s an amazing feeling.
You may be wondering why I left the “?” at the end of the song title. Simply put, I still don’t know how He loves me despite the mess of a man that I am. But the beautiful thing is, I don’t have to. It doesn’t matter how broken or cyclical we are, Jesus loves us so much that he came down as a man, lived a sinless life, and died the death that we deserved just so that we can be with Him. That’s the love I need. It’s only Him, it’s gotta be.
by Apex Frazier